Royal Wedding will cost UK economy billions

The wedding today between Kate Middleware and William of Orange will cost the UK economy billions - not the other way round, as prime minister David Cameroon has suggested.

The cost of the hitching is estimated at some £30 million, which benefit scroungers the Royal Family will fork out directly from other peoples' pockets - ours.

On top of that there's policing, traffic management and the raiding of squats around the country in search of pesky anarchists, which will also cost the taxpayer a few million. Let's put that at £6 million, plus another few hundred thousand for the cost of supervising - or beating up - drunks stumbling out of the pub later today after consuming a full holiday's worth of booze.

The biggest cost - a day off granted by His Haughiness David Cameltoe - is estimated by none other than the Confederation of British Industry to cost the UK economy about FIVE BILLION POUNDS.

I notice there's even a sponsored Royal Wedding hashtag on Twitter - who the hell paid for that? The UK taxpayer of course. In fact, the Government is thought to have squandered many more millions in promoting the nuptials.

To make matters worse British subjects largely couldn't give the stuff about the wedding of scrounger-in-chief-to-be and his common-as-muck-if-fairly-loaded piece of fluff.

Less than half of the British public have expressed positive interest in the affair in recent polls and only a third of the UK adult population have said they'll be bothered to watch the cobblers play out on the telly.

Billions elsewhere are expected to watch the show - or at least a bit of it - on the old-fangled gogglebox, mainly so they can laugh and snigger at all the daft, old-fashioned pageantry of it all. Sigh.

Right, is the pub open yet?