A guide to being an idiot on Facebook

It's not hard to make friends, at least on Facebook, where friendship doesn't cost more than a click. But now that you've amassed such a digital clique, you want to keep them. Right? Okay, maybe not. Maybe you want to test them. You want to push the limits of this so-called friendship you've established online with someone you met once at a party.

Well, have we got some tips for you. Below are a number of things you can regularly do on Facebook that will surely send people running for the Unfriend button. We’ve also got similar guides for Google+ and indeed Twitter, if you’re interested…

1. Spam your new friends

You have something to pimp? A book, an article, a video, your pyramid scheme, or maybe your performance in the chorus of Oklahoma at the local community centre? Then you should tell everyone. Send out messages to all your friends! Post a message on your status! Post another message on your status! Then perhaps send out some more messages. You get the idea.

2. Hide your face

People love it when your profile photo not only isn't you today, or even yesterday, but preferably it shouldn’t even be you! Don't go the easy route and use your dog or cat, however. Think truly esoteric and unmemorable, like a picture of a sunset or your car.

3. Fascinate us with your horrible life

Are you in the middle of some horrible life changing event that is making you feel more emo than a goth girl at a Evanescence concert? Then by all means, share, with as much detail as possible, why your life sucks. Tell us that the world is out to get you or that your significant other cheated on you or set you on fire. We want to know, because we care.

4. Shower us with sweetness

On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum, perhaps your life is “Great” with a capital G! Great like Frosties, even. You like exclamation marks, and

5. Repeat everything from your Twitter

You know what, Facebook isn't really your thing, but you can still use it. Just use an app to fix it up so that whenever you post to Twitter, the same post shows up as your Facebook status. This way, the rubes on Facebook still think you care to post, and the people lucky enough to follow you on both Twitter and Facebook get to read it twice. What a win/win situation.

6. Quote your faves

"Do I look like a clown to you?" or "These are not the droids you're looking for," or even "p-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (mum mum mum mah)" are not just quotes. They're windows into the depths of your soul.

7. All Farmville, all the time!

It doesn't have to be just Farmville 2. Candy Crush is more popular these days, of course. Anyway, pick a game you like and then post only about that. Especially if you can be really whiney about asking for help with the game from others – hell yes, I'll help raise your crops! – because you just know deep in the cockles of your heart that everyone else is playing it, too. It must just be that they're hiding it better. Oh, this also goes for quizzes. We want to know what Muppet you are, or what Broadway song you are, or how long you'd last in the zombie apocalypse.

8. Shock the vote

Got strong opinions on politics? Whether you think the PM is the messiah or the son of Satan, make you feelings known! Those of your friends who are easily swayed will no doubt quickly come to your side and vote with abandon along the only party line that matters – yours. And if you have friends who perhaps like their politics with a little more nuance, or maybe don't care for politics at all? Well, they need you to school them in just how the real world works, don't they?

9. Believe walls are private

You want to send someone a message? Go to their Facebook wall and just start typing in the "Write something..." box at the top. It's not private – every single one of that person's Facebook friends (and relatives) will see it – but at least you got your message across, right? Hopefully, it was either brain-deadeningly esoteric or hilariously inappropriate. Or both. If you can make it passive/aggressive as well, you win the trifecta.

10. Tag those party people

In general, you want to tag people in photos or videos you upload, so the subject knows the picture is there and all their friends can see it, as well. You especially want to do this when the subject has been shot in a compromising position. Say, with an illegal substance, performing an illegal act, or just at the end of a very long night that culminates in vomiting.

11. Like everything you can like

There's no lack of things to "Like" on Facebook, since the Like button appears on just about every page of the web. (Including this one! So, Like it already!) What you should keep your eye out for are great pages to Like, for example: "Flipping the pillow over to get to the cold side." And: "I wish I could comment on your stupid likes without clicking Like." Make sure your profile page is absolutely choked with them.

12. Don't participate at all

This, unfortunately, won't get you noticed. But why bother writing to people at all? Why share your insights or feelings or location or play games or anything when you can sign up, reconnect with hundreds of people, and then never say anything ever again? Good question.

For those of you who lack that ability to recognise sarcasm... don't do any of the above things. Please.